Friday, March 16, 2018

Regular Person Jasmine Bella Thinks About Eating A Lot

I've always enjoyed reading The Grub Street Diet (I'm a foodie, what can I say ;), so I decided to write one for me, as if I am someone.

Friday, March 9
I'm home with a baby. My baby. Mine and my husband's. I'm a temporary SAHM, though I'd love to continue the SAH part whenever I'm ready to go back to work. The first few weeks of keeping a baby alive were both easy (he mostly slept) and very difficult (depleted hormones + being AWAKE = that upside down smiling emoji which I've taken to mean a few things but in this instance means "I'm a lunatic"). But now that he's 6 weeks old, he sleeps ever so slightly less and needs my attention seemingly extremely more. Or maybe I stare at him too much. How many times are you supposed to make sure your baby is breathing at night?

Anyway, I've spent most of today thinking about eating. As the hours have ticked on and my belly has gotten emptier, I'll think "I still haven't eaten" and then I'll play Animal Crossing Pocket Camp whenever I have a free moment. Eventually, around 2 o'clock or so, I toy with the idea of ordering in (two of my favorite restaurants in the next town over offer delivery through DoorDash), but I quickly nix that idea when I remember I'm going to force myself to nap the next time the baby does. He's falling asleep now, but I'm hungry, so I bake up an entire bag of Gardein Seven Grain Crispy Tenders. I'm not sure how many were in the bag - 8? 25? - but I dip them in a giant cup of Musselman's Apple Sauce because regular dipping sauces taste weird to me now. The second I finish my last bite, the baby wakes up. C'est la vie.

We need some things from the store, so I finally muster up the energy to leave the house. It's colder than I anticipated and I feel like a bad mom, despite how bundled my baby is. The sidewalks in our neighborhood are hell, so I usually push the stroller in the street, but it snowed, so there's plowed snow in the street. Following an obstacle course-like walk to the store and back, I arrive home with four boxes of tissues; a box of Cheerios and a carton of milk; and, instead of the things we need, some cookies. Chips Ahoy! Chunky cookies to be precise. After putting the baby to sleep for the night, I crack open the cookies, eat maybe four or five, feel guilty, put the cookies back into the doubled-up CVS bags, put those bags into the trash, take the trash bag out of its can, tie it up, and take the trash bag outside.

Saturday, March 10
It's 9:44am. The baby has eaten four times today and I have eaten zero times. I decide to pour myself a bowl of Cheerios, but not the Cheerios I bought yesterday, the Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios that I forgot were in the cabinet. Given the choice between boring and unhealthy, I almost always choose unhealthy :(

Unrelated to unhealthiness, I'd been thinking about Chipotle since sometime yesterday or the day before, so I casually, as if the thought had just come to me, bring it up to my husband while we're in line with almost $200 worth of groceries. Why would we eat any of the food we're buying? I order a burrito with white rice, black beans, sofritas, queso, corn, and cheese, and we share chips and guac. (Later, I have a bad time in the bathroom and decide not to eat Chipotle anymore, but I can't imagine I've convinced myself.)

Tonight is my friends' engagement party. I want to go, if not because I really like them, then so that I have cool foods to add to this, but last week I put my baby in his swing and then sat on the couch and felt sad because he was far away. Which isn't to say I haven't been away from my baby since we've been home - I've gone to the store twice and to one doctor appointment - but Brooklyn is practically on another planet. I'm just not ready to leave him alone with anyone but my husband yet, and even then I've only done so for, like, forty minutes. ONLY I KNOW HOW TO CARE FOR THE BABY lol jk kind of jk.

I turn on The Go Off Kings and eat a few spoonfuls of my husband's Americone Dream that I bought him with his money. I drink so much Canada Dry Black Cherry Seltzer I truly believe it's the reason my lips are dry. I sprinkle some catnip on the kitchen floor and watch the cats go wild. It's 9:31pm, a time I don't usually see because I've been asleep for an hour.

Sunday, March 11
I'm starving. It's late, but with Daylight Savings Time, it's kind of early, and yet, I'm starving. Unfortunately (and fortunately), I'm trapped beneath a sleeping baby. I wait until he wakes up and then, somehow, three more hours go by before I finally manage a breakfast. The bananas we bought yesterday are too ripe so I throw together another bowl of Cheerios (of the chocolate peanut butter variety). We have plans to visit my in-laws today and I'm looking forward to snacking. And seeing family, of course.

I don't drink enough water lately, so I fill my 48oz Nalgene bottle with some sweet, sweet H2O before we make the trek down to Milltown, eating a box of the Belgian Famous Chocolates my husband brought home from the engagement party last night on the way. We arrive to my in-laws' house and the snacks begin trickling out. There's Chester's Puffcorn, 3 Seed Sweet Potato crackers and homemade red pepper hummus, Savoritz Thin Wheat crackers and some kind of cheese (not sure what kind, but it's cheese, so I eat it), and coffee cake that my father-in-law baked. Everyone takes turns holding the baby and I stare, longingly, wishing I was holding him, too. For dinner, there are sweet potato french fries, regular french fries with a homemade cheese sauce, and my mother-in-law's "famous" homemade veggie burgers. I think about texting my friends who love the burgers that I am eating the burgers, to make them jealous, but I forget. I have two, one with just ketchup and one with cheese, relish, and avocado (what is wrong with me?). For the ride home, I take a little bottle of Poland Spring Sparkling Raspberry Lime (I finished my forty-eight ounces of water hours ago).

At home, my husband cracks open his Americone Dream and I think about sharing, but go to bed instead.

Monday, March 12
You won't believe what I have for breakfast (Cheerios (chocolate peanut butter (I've been awake for 7 hours))).

I meet my friend Tammi at Target around lunchtime. I buy some baby things, she buys some things to cover up a murder (Windex, disinfectant wipes, paint brush). I also make sure to pick up a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs because I always buy the holiday versions (and regular version) of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. On the way out, I drop by the little Pizza Hut cafeteria area and order breadsticks. I think about eating them in the car, but I have to stop at PetSmart for cans of cat food before it's time for the baby to eat again. On the way home, I stop by Wendy's and order a large french fries and a medium chocolate Frosty.

We arrive home and I change the baby, feed the baby, put the baby on his tummy and take some pictures and videos of him doing such a great job using his little neck to lift up his big ol' head, put the baby back on his pillow for another nap, and eat my cold breadsticks and soggy french fries while watching episodes of Friends on Netflix.

For dinner, I eat two Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and drink a can of Schweppes Original Seltzer Water. I've thought about giving up chocolate for literally even one day for a while now. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Can I go one whole day without chocolate? Stay tuned.

Tuesday, March 13
I feel bad about the way I've eaten the past few days, not only because of my health, but also because remember when we bought so many groceries? I eat a banana and some plain-ass Cheerios for breakfast. I'm not even thinking about chocolate. Especially not the Reese's Peanut Butter Easter Eggs on the coffee table. Or the other box of Belgian Famous Chocolates also on the coffee table.

Tammi and I made plans for the baby and I to come to her house. I secretly hope she has chocolate so I can have a good (?) excuse to put off not eating chocolate for one day (literally just one day!), for one more day. Unfortunately, she does not have chocolate (or at least doesn't offer any), but she does have Snack Factory Everything Pretzel Crisps and Whole Foods brand Chipotle Cheddar Dip. I want to eat all of it, but there's a baby on me for the majority of our visit, so I only eat most of it. I feed the baby his dinner and we head home before he falls asleep for the night.

After putting the baby to bed, I make myself a dinner. I cook some brown rice, microwave some Morning Star Buffalo Wings, and mix them together in a bowl. I think it might be too dry, so I put blue cheese salad dressing on it (please help me!) and dig in. I just remembered the Reese's Peanut Butter Pink Hearts that have been on the kitchen table since Valentine's Day, but I'm not thinking about them. I go to bed before I eat chocolate.


  1. This article needs more shaming of other moms...

  2. My little bumpkin baby is nearly 10 years old but this makes me remember when he was little and helpless and nursed for what seemed like hours upon hours and my life consisted of sitting on a chair and dozing off during Ellen. I remember eating a lot of Luna bars during that time period and also waking up in the morning (not in he traditional “I just slept the whole night” kind of waking up but more like I had been in and out of consciousness while the bebe was nursing and lost track of all of everything WHERE AM I AND WHAT TIME IS IT kind of waking up) and I would be STARVING. I also remember someone getting me those little containers of caramel dipping sauce and eating those with apples. Going through the McDonalds drive through was the best best best best for anyone who is carting a baby around because you don’t have to take the baby out. I love mcChickens.

    1. I'm so glad I'm not crazy! Or maybe I am, but I'm not alone in it! I wonder if drive-thrus were invented for new moms. They're the greatest invention!